Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
