she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
