He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
