I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
