I can text with my tongue
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
