Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
