I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
