Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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