I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
