Cold hands, warm shart.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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