Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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