so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
