She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
