$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
