omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Ketchup is God's man juice
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
