My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
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