Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
