I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
please come you make the beer taste better
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
