I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
