Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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