I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
