She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
