If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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