I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
