OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
