I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You took a bar mat shot.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm both gender and math confused
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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