Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
