My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
