And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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