I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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