Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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