4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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