there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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