If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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