Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
