so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
