i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
