3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
