I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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