so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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