He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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