I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
