I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
