I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
