I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
