He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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