this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
