I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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