he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
