I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
